Dear Baby: I Hate Pregnancy, but I Love You

Dear Second Baby,

I don't know if you will ever read this.  Maybe you will love my writing and want to read all my old blogs, or maybe you will just ignore me most children are wont to do with their elderly, uncool parents.

I love you, I really do.  You are all anyone can talk about to me, and although it gets boring at times, I find it nice that total strangers get randomly excited about you.

But child, I hate being pregnant.  No one says this.  No one is supposed to say this, especially not to their lovely baby.  I'm supposed to be blooming and grateful and rubbing my undulating baby bump like some kind of thankful earth goddess, bringing forth new life.  Most people think this is what women are made to do, but me?  I cannot wait until I get to meet you.  Not because newborns are the most fun thing ever, but because it means I can have my two lovely children and be done with pregnancy forever.

A lady in my yoga class had a caesarean section with her first baby and was nervous about trying to have a normal delivery (as she had no experience of that).  I tried reassuring her that birth is not that scary.  It's an unknown, but I would rather give birth once a month for nine months than be pregnant. Birth is pain and discomfort with an end date.  Pregnancy is really ten months of misery for me, and actually, that's okay to admit.  Whether you are a girl or a boy, you or your partner may go through this in the future, and hopefully find it helpful.

As women, we tend to use our rose-colored glasses to talk about pregnancy and tell pregnant women the most awful birth stories as a way of "preparing them" or making ourselves feel better.  Every pregnant lady knows the story of a total stranger's birth for this reason.  However, nobody told me that birth would be an absolute relief.  All of the horror stories of episiotomies, half-born babies with stuck shoulders, emergency c-sections, hemorrhoids and tears requiring multiple surgeries to correct didn't prepare me for how grateful I would be for labor and birth.

The night after your sister was born, I was drained, tired, in pain and somehow completely happy.  But not just because I had a gorgeous baby.  I could move from side to side in the uncomfortable hospital bed without my uterus contracting in pain.  I could stand up without feeling nauseated.  I could actually feel my blood pressure being lower.  I didn't see spots.  I could eat without being simultaneously starving and completely stuffed after three bites.

I felt like myself.  My body was uncomfortable, but it was mine again.  I felt good, for the first time in nine months.  Everybody said I would be so excited to hold your sister, but I didn't realize it would be because I was done being pregnant.

There will be people who read this and go: "What an ungrateful b-word!  I would give anything to be pregnant.  We have been trying forever."  But they need to know that not being 100% happy with pregnancy is a totally valid response to the "miracle of life".  Just google: "IVF and hate being pregnant."  That happens too.  Life is not easy.  Bringing life into the world is a general crapshoot and you get what you are dealt.  I get dealt nine months of nausea, extreme vomiting, high blood pressure, feeling as though I've been hit by a truck, painful "practice contractions" for the entire last trimester and insomnia.  And that's in addition to the "normal" pregnancy symptoms and general weirdness that make life difficult for anyone growing a tiny human.

And it feels like a kick in the groin (thanks for those too, little karate master) when people say: "Wow, you're getting huge! Any day now, right?"  My response is a sort of weird smile and non-committal response, when what I want to say is "Actually, I have to survive another six weeks of this hellish physical and mental torture without having a full-on bipolar episode but thanks for asking."

Thankfully, I have health care people who are trying to help, or at least listen, which feels the same as helping.  I should hopefully make it out of this pregnancy without being too depressed to cope with you as a newborn.

I don't respect a lot about Kim Kardashian's way of life, but I really appreciate that she is open and honest about how much she hated being pregnant.  I haven't written much during this pregnancy because frankly, I thought people would get sick of hearing how much I dislike it this time around.  There's a reason people don't blog at 4am, breathing through pain and nausea during yet another night of insomnia.  I don't want to sound like a crazy person who is coming unglued, even though that's what it feels like.

Despite all the crappiness, I love you.  Carrying you in my arms is preferable though.  I literally cannot wait to meet you.

Love, Mama


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