The Do's and Don'ts of Pregnancy OR Forbidden Cheese


Most books, magazines, blogs and other sources of mum-to-be reading material have lists of Do's and Don'ts.

For some reason, the Do part of the list is usually anemic and self-explanatory, whereas the DON'T list is in all caps and requires a long list of reasons why not to do this particular thing.

Pregnancy is a *supposedly* amazing time, but I seem to find the Don'ts to be HARD right now.

Here's the edited list of Basic Pregnancy Do's and Don'ts:

Do move around and get some exercise.
DON'T exercise too hard and be careful doing household chores.

Do pamper yourself and relax.
DON'T use acne treatments, haircolor, aromatherapy, herbal supplements, tanning beds, hot tubs, saunas, jacuzzis, or take baths that are too hot.

Do take advantage of the ability to eat extra calories.
DON'T eat undercooked meat, unpasteurised cheese, blue cheese of any kind, runny mold-covered cheese, poached eggs, deli meat, smoked salmon, shellfish. Basically, anything that is delicious. Also, DON'T drink alcohol.

Do eat fish as it's good for baby's brain development.
DON'T eat fish that's fresh, caught locally, smoked, or big. Also, DON'T eat too much or you'll give your baby mercury poisoning.

YOU CAN SEE HOW ALL OF THIS IS CONFUSING AND COULD POSSIBLY STRESS MOMS-TO-BE OUT NOW, RIGHT?

I think I've got my point across. There's a lot of guilt that seems to go on with worrying how to raise your kids, and all this worrying seems to be earlier and earlier. Maybe we should just go back to periods of confinement and squirrel women away as soon as they start to have a bump to protect them from the outside world.

Speaking of guilt, there was a lump of leftover blue cheese in our fridge that my in-laws gave to us when they went on holiday. I smelled it, put it back, smelled it again. I tried to exercise willpower, but it just called to me. So, I ate a bite of it. Just one. It wasn't even an entire mouthful. Now, I feel like I should be on BBC's Misbehaving Mums-to-Be, a show about women who refuse to give up smoking, drinking or eating bad stuff during pregnancy. So guilty. My poor baby is going to have salmonella or whatever the mold is supposed to cause.

Just so you know, when I pop out this salmonella-covered baby, do not bring flowers or balloons or stuffed animals. Send steak, as rare as possible. Send smoked salmon. Bring me Eggs Benedict with hollandaise made from eggs that are barely out of the chicken's butt, much less cooked. Buy me a bottle of spirits. If you want to spoil me, send a sushi chef that will slice me up a giant piece of illegal tuna. And send this:

By the way, in case you can't read the description, it is beautiful:

"When a friend or loved one has announced the birth of a child, the common reaction is to lavish her with gifts and toys for the baby and forget that for the last 9 months this poor woman has had to forgo many of her favourite things. Not least of which is oozing, pungent and glorious soft and blue cheese."

Amen, cheesemonger.

Comments

  1. I laughed out loud to ALL of this!!

    Giving up feta and coca-cola was the worst idea ever!!! I had a coke the moment Harp drew his first breath. :-)
    You can do it.

    I eased the deli turkey cravings by eating "toasted" sandwiches... what? They were cooked. ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  2. i think you need a biology lesson re:chickens and eggs. Or maybe i do.

    ReplyDelete

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